Joy in the Journey

I don't want to do this, but... I've shared here and there about our infertility journey . I've also recently shared that one of my new year's goals is to work towards expanding our family... Well, I'm struggling. We have an appointment coming up and honestly, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do any of it! I don't want to go to appointments that remind me I can't get pregnant without help. I don't want to take medications that make me an uglier version of myself. I don't want to go through the physical and emotional tole that it takes to even attempt to get pregnant. I don't want to do it! Photo Credit: healthywomen.org My youngest is now two and I can go places again! He sleeps in the car and travels SO well compared to his younger self. I have my life and my body back in so many ways and the idea of giving that all up again... Giving up my freedoms all over again when I've just gained them back... I don't want to. I was ...

One year ago, as I was laying in bed sick, I asked my mother-in-law, "Do you think I have that sickness that is on the news?" We both thought I probably didn't, since we didn't think it had come to our rural area yet. But who knows? That is not what this blog is about. It's about the year that elapsed between then and now. As I am processing our recent COVID-19 experience (read about that HERE and HERE ), the realization that I could have spent this past year very afraid for my husbands' life has hit home. My husband is a type 1 diabetic. He is overweight. He is high risk.  Maybe I would have been justified in living the last year in fear for my husband's life. I know other family members were really worried about him. And I'm not saying that doubtful and frightening thoughts didn't pop up every now and then (especially after hearing blurbs of the news). But I didn't let them live in my brain. I kicked them out. And I'm so glad I did! Becau...

As I drove to my chiropractic appointment last night, I had some time alone in the car so I started praying. "Hi God" is usually how I start out. As I began to share my heart a little with the God who loves me most, I felt like I needed to apologize. Apologize that my normal conversations with Jesus have been a little blah. That some mornings I just sit and drink my coffee and don't have a lot to say. That the things that I could pray for seem either repetitive, selfish, or depressing. I felt bad.  Photo Credit: leadingandlovingit.com I want  that close, passionate prayer time. I want  to feel the lovey feelings every time I spend time with the Lord. I want ... the feeling.  It was a rough year. I felt my prayer life go downhill from about a month into Covid on. At first, I was way praying for our country, for people to realize our need for Jesus, that lives would be changed but quickly I got disheartened and the drudgery of continual Covid restrictions took a lot of...

If having COVID has taught me anything, it is that life must be savored.  Don't get me wrong, it's not because I felt like having COVID was a near death experience that changed my life. Not at all. Like I said last week, I was surprised at how mild COVID hit our family. We've had worse viruses tear through our house in the past.  The reminder to savor life has been brought to my attention because of one of the side effects of the virus: loss of the senses of taste and smell. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to trivialize COVID. Maybe it seems silly to complain about these symptoms when so many have lost their lives due to complications spurred on by COVID. My heart really and truly goes out to all who have suffered because of this virus. But guys, dealing with these symptoms really has been one of the hardest parts of the virus for me.  When you think about it, we only have five senses in which we physically experience the world. When two of those are taken out, t...

She stepped up on the stage. It was a simple talent show/show-and-tell for my kids' little youth group, but she was the only one of my kids who wanted to participate. She had made a really neat sculpture from Legos and also a painting of it.  But when she first got up on stage, it wasn't really set up for showing off her work. She fumbled with her sculpture as she tried to hold it up for everyone to see and part of a fell. She patiently tried to put it back together and another part fell. Finally, someone got her a TV stand and she was able to rest her work on it and get the sculpture reassembled. She didn't have much to say about her work, and she didn't speak very loudly (even though I had coached her on it). And that was ok. Because this was her show, not mine. I think one of the hardest things about parenting is knowing when to let our kids do things for themselves. We go from them completely depending on us to them becoming completely independent of us, but it does...

My kids have issues... Which was blatantly clear the other day. MAJOR crap fest! It was awful. A trigger was hit and what followed was explosive! After things had calmed down my husband and I had a chat.  Photo Credit: elkrivertreament.com "What can we do? Is there something we're not doing that's needed?" He questioned, wanting to help our kid out in anyway we can. I went on to explain that our kid is just our kid. There is no magic solution to difficult times. There's no perfect parenting formula that will help make everything better, it is what it is. Our kid is who she is and she has to learn to best work with herself and we get to do our best to help love and support her through it. "I can't fix our kids". I said later that night. "If I could. I already would." I already would have "fixed" things because I love them more than anything and it pains me to see them struggle. I already would have because I would do anything to gi...

 Well, we have COVID-19.  My husband brought it home from somewhere. Which is crazy, because he is the one who follows all the mask and social distancing rules for his work. He is also much more careful than me outside of work, because he is a Type 1 diabetic and sicknesses always hit him harder than they do the rest of us. But we got it never-the-less. It's strange. Any other virus we would find out we were sick and just stay home til we were well. Maybe tell some people we had recently been in contact with so they would know. But things are so different now. As soon as we got the positive test results we got several phone calls and had to make several phone calls. I had to do online grocery shopping for the first time ever. I can't see my family or friends for several weeks (it takes a while for a virus to work through a household of 7). I felt guilty getting gas, even though I was wearing a mask and sanitized my credit card before handing it to the gas attendant. We are liv...

I'm still thinking about thinking... My blogs last week were basically about being kind to yourself (even/especially in your thought life) and focusing on the truth (even when there is so much conflicting information swirling through the air that it is hard to know what is true). I'm still marinating on these thoughts and this verse from Philippians.  I learned on Sunday that the "if" in the last part of the verse could actually be more accurately translated as "since". Which reminds me: There is always something true or noble or lovely or admirable or excellent or praiseworthy to think about. Even on the worst days, even when you are in the darkest night of depression or sorrow, there is always something positive to think on. Always! This post is going to be short and sweet today. I just want to remind you, dear mamas, to take the time to think on the good things.  Your mountain of laundry is there because you have dear little people who wear those cute li...

I was talking with my 95 year old grandma and mother of 5 awhile back. I start sharing about how we mothers tend to think of our normal jobs and duties as "nothing" and everything beyond that as "an accomplishment".  As I've shared, having house projects only intensifies that feeling of "not getting anything done". If I have to prioritize the fussy kid and skip getting some visible work done I feel like I haven't got "anything done".  My Nanna's words were soothing truth, which is her specialty. She talked about how in the Bible Jesus says "If you've fed or clothed the least of these it's as if you've done it to me" (Matthew 25:40) . The least of these . Not if you've done something great for someone super important. Not if you've remodeled your whole house or ran a marathon, if you've fed and clothed the least of these.  Sounds very simple right? Very insignificant maybe? Well, it's not! The God...

What is true? Have you been wondering that lately? Like, every day for the past year??? I hear so much about "fake news". I see so many articles with big, bold headlines that contradict the next article. Who do I believe? How do I know when there is some political or financial agenda? It's so hard to navigate. I feel lost and overloaded. So the question is, what is true?  The sermon at church this Sunday was about Philippians 4:8.  And it confirmed what I've been feeling: I need to take a break from the news. Not completely, of course. I think it is wise to be a little informed of what is going on. But I don't need to obsess over what I cannot control. So what do I need to think on instead? These are two of the things that I am choosing to think on this week: Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. I need to spend time with God, fill myself with the word, and pray! I can't change the world, but I can change my little world. The biggest influence I have is o...

  Geez! I thought to myself. Calm down, lady, it's not that big of a deal. I had just verbally ripped into one of my kids and had an apology to make. Again. It's been happening a lot lately and I was wondering where it was coming from. The smallest things seem to make anger and frustration boil up inside of me and then I would spew it all over my family. I sounded like I hated my children the way I talked sometimes. Ok, maybe that's a bit strong, but let's just say I wasn't being the nicest mama. Not the kind of mama I want to be. I didn't realize why until we had our MOPS meeting last week.  A question was posed to us: What is stealing your microphone? What is controlling the way you are speaking? A very timely question for me since I had been struggling so much with what was coming out of my mouth lately. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I cried pretty much the whole rest of the meeting. I had been practicing self hatred . That was the problem.  I was being ...