I DON'T Want to do This, but...

I don't want to do this, but...

I've shared here and there about our infertility journey. I've also recently shared that one of my new year's goals is to work towards expanding our family...

Well, I'm struggling. We have an appointment coming up and honestly, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do any of it! I don't want to go to appointments that remind me I can't get pregnant without help. I don't want to take medications that make me an uglier version of myself. I don't want to go through the physical and emotional tole that it takes to even attempt to get pregnant. I don't want to do it!

Photo Credit: healthywomen.org

My youngest is now two and I can go places again! He sleeps in the car and travels SO well compared to his younger self. I have my life and my body back in so many ways and the idea of giving that all up again... Giving up my freedoms all over again when I've just gained them back... I don't want to.

I was telling Jesus that this morning and as soon as I said it out loud I saw it for what it was. Selfishness. I don't want to give up me for another person. And fear. I'm afraid of the sacrifice it's going to take. I'm afraid it won't work. I'm afraid of the heartache I feel just by trying... 

I was talking to Jesus about how I didn't want to sacrifice three years (one pregnant and the first two years I find particularly limiting) for another human being!!! Let that sink in. Jesus, who gave up His throne in heaven, to become a lowly human, who then spent thirty-three years misunderstood on this earth, only to die a brutal, horrific death, for me, for you, for love. He did that for me! The least I can do is trust His goodness enough to try and bring another person into this world, what happens is all up to Him after all.

"Do it as a sacrifice of love" I felt God say. Not denying that it is a sacrifice to carry, deliver, feed, and nurture a tiny human, but that it's worth it because of love.

Imagine Credit: themiceart.com

I don't know where you are at in your mothering journey but I think every stage comes with a lot of sacrifices. Let us love with a giving love. Let us sacrifice for the sake of others out of trust and faith that we are loved and sacrificed for. Let us live in a way that impacts the ones around us and let's raise our tiny humans to do likewise! No one can be the Mama you are!

Much love,
-Joy