Another Missed Due Date...

 

I am a mess this week...

For those that don't know, I suffered through 3 miscarriages between October 2023 and October 2024. I was 9, 7, and 14 weeks along for these miscarriages. If I had not lost my most recent baby, the end of this week would have been my due date. So, it's safe to say that I am a mess. I am liable to cry at any moment, even though my eyes are exhausted from all the tears.

I haven't been able to write much lately because there has been so much going on inside of me that it's hard to get into words. My father also passed away March 2024 and just a few weeks ago my cousin, whom I was very close to growing up, tragically passed away as well. Apparently, this past year and a half have been a season of grieving. It has been a lot of work. I have been attending church every Sunday, reading books, attending Bible Study 3 times a week, and am almost finished listening to the entire Bible for the second time. I've been spending a lot of time out of doors with my children and also have gotten some time alone. I am working hard to nourish my soul.

Have you ever done the Jesus and Women study by Kristi Mclelland? If not, I highly recommend it. We went through it in one Bible Study that I attend and I was so impacted by it that I decided to go through it immediately again in the Bible Study that I lead at my church. Even though I just completed the study, I can see the fruits of going through it a second time already. 

Last week, the homework focused on the wilderness. The study emphasizes the differences between Western and Middle Eastern views on the Bible and its topics. In Western society, we often view the wilderness as a bad thing. We think "Who/what is to blame for me being here and how can I get out of this wilderness?" In the Middle East, they regard the wildness as a sacred place. It is the place, after all, where the Lord revealed Himself to the Israelites after taking them out of Egypt. It's where they saw His daily provision. It is where He made His covenant with them.

In the Middle East, they ask "What is God trying to teach me in this wilderness?" That is a very good question. It's what I try to ask as I tend to this broken heart of mine. I know He is teaching and growing me, even (especially) in this difficult path that I am now walking. 

The twenty-third Psalm is, I'm sure, the most popular one of the Bible. Other than John 3:16, it is probably one of the most easily recognized scriptures. In it, we are reminded that even though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death (wilderness), God is with us. His rod of correction and staff of guidance are a comfort to us. 

We aren't alone in the wilderness. No matter how long it lasts, we ae never alone. It doesn't matter if our own mistakes are what brought us there or we landed there completely clueless as to why, He is with us. We may never know why we are there but He can still teach us through it. It can be a place where we can know Him a little better, understand Him a little better, love Him more. He will use it for our good and His glory. 

I imagine the disciples wondered why Jesus would send them out to sea when He knew a storm was coming. It was so bad that they, many of them experienced sailors, thought for sure  they were going to die. But if it had not happened this way, would they have known Jesus better by understanding that He was master over the sea? Apparently they didn't get it the first time He showed them by speaking to the waves, so He knew they needed to see them walking on the water. And would Peter have ever walked on water if he had not been brought out into the storm and seen Jesus doing it?

I desperately wish, with all of my being, that none of my babies had died. Approaching this due date without a positive pregnancy test in hand (to soften the pain with a little hope) is really hard. I don't want to be in this place. But I am clinging to the one who can get me through it. Keep clinging to Him, mamas.

Much love,

Lee