Getting Dirty

 Proverbs 14:4 says, "Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox." Translation: if you want a harvest, be prepared for things to get messy. 

I must be getting ready for some spiritual growth because I am one heck of a mess right now.

I lost a baby in October, my father in March, and another baby at the beginning of this month. Although I am comforted by the fact that my babies and daddy aren't really "lost" (they are together in Heaven right now, with Jesus and what could be more glorious than that???), I feel like I am not doing too great of a job figuring out how to live life on Earth without them. I am really fumbling and just don't know what to do with myself. The activities that usually give me a lot of joy this time of year (salmon fishing, gardening, and working in my greenhouse) are just not doing it for me. It's bizarre because, although I miss doing these things, I have zero desire to actually participate. And when I make myself do them, I just feel numb. There really isn't much joy there.

I have been doing some mushroom picking, though. My mom and I are getting morels for the first time ever. We had a large fire in the mountains above our town last summer and we are now learning what kind of environment they like to grow in. We did not find any our first attempt, but with some tips from my great uncle (who was a professional mushroom hunter), we have now found three patches that we should be able to harvest off over the next couple years.

Did you know that morels only grow after a fire? It takes the intense heat of a forest fire to clear away the brush and enrichen the soil so the mushrooms can grow. And they are one of the tastiest mushrooms out there because of the environment that they grow in. It is messy work to get them with all the soot that is around!

Walking through the burned forest has been therapeutic for me, though. Not only does it smell amazing, but it also is comforting to see all the new life that is popping up all around me. The wild rhododendrons will not bloom this year and from a distance they may look like a bunch of dead sticks, but if you get close enough you can see that their bases are bursting with fresh growth. They are proving that life can happen after death. And the mushrooms are proof that some things can only grow after fire has devastated the habitat.

In the last days of my dad's life, I saw that as his body grew weaker and weaker his spirit grew stronger. I spoke to a friend about her having the same experience for herself. She has struggled with life threatening illness and pain for many years, but her spirit has grown so much throughout that journey. I know my own pain journey changed me for the better, too.

When my body was letting go of my little baby a few weeks ago I had a very comforting dream of my dad. I think we were sitting together in the cab of his truck at the river, as we have done countless times before, but I knew this wasn't a memory because I was intently soaking up his presence. I was studying his features and I can't tell you how comforting it was to see his face again. And to hear his voice! We said something to each other, I can't remember exactly what we discussed, but i think it was about me losing the baby. Then he looked at me and said, "It's so real there, Sis. So really real. The spiritual is all that matters." I assured him that I knew that, and then I woke up. 

That dream was a gift.  

Because the spiritual is all that, in the big picture, really matters. And my life may look a bit devastated right now, but under the soil there is growth happening that could not have occurred if I had not been through the past six months. It's really, really messy work and I'm not sure that I am handling it all the right way, but I am walking through it. I may trip and stub my toe from time to time, but I am moving. Just forgive me for not being quiet myself for a while. My soul is a bit wounded and needs to heal. I know I will come out the other side stronger because that is what God wants for me. He's always working even the hardest things for my good. That's just the kind of Father He is.

And He will do the same for you, mamas. Just trust Him. He is your Rescue.

So. Much. Love.

Lee