Seeing in Black and White

 I have to share a dream that I had this morning:

We were at a swimming hole in a creek or a river, I’m not sure which one, it was not one that I recognize, but I do know that my mom and my children were there and some friends of ours were there, too. I could tell it was a warm day, and really just lovely weather because everybody was having fun playing in the water and basking on the gravel bar. Everyone but me. 

To me, the entire scene was black and white. Like an old movie. I couldn’t see or feel the sunshine. I knew that the children’s bathing suits and floaty toys were brightly colored, but all I could see were different shades of gray. I felt very forlorn. And very cold.

Finally, I asked my mom if she would watch the toddlers and then got into the water. I crossed the river but being in the water did not do anything for me. Everything still seemed very dull and melancholy. I waded up to the top of the swimming hole and stood in the middle of the stream. I plunged in, and just swam downriver as fast as I could. 

It felt so good and refreshing to swim with the flow of that cool water. But I was surprised at how fast the water was moving and how quickly I found myself at the bottom of the swimming hole. The current was moving faster and faster, and I could feel the water pulling me towards the rapids that were just below. And I could also feel a certainty deep down in my soul that those rapids were dangerous, and that I would be injured if I entered them.

It wasn’t easy, but I veered off to the left, and soon found a place where I could stand away from the dangerous rocks. I stood there, still feeling the current pull against me, and looked up to where the kids were splashing in the water. And I realized as I was standing there that seeing everything in black and white was a choice. I actually could choose to see in color if I wanted to. So I did. 

Suddenly, I could see everything. I could see all the beauty of the blue sky. I could hear the laughter of the children where before it was muted. The current was still trying to pull me, but it wasn’t going to take me. I enjoyed the feel of the water moving, it made me feel very alive, but it wasn’t controlling me. I slowly started to walk into the color and warmth and sunshine and joy. 

I wanted to share this dream with you because I feel that it is really about mourning. The river is grief. Wading in it and swimming with it are healthy. That is what I need to do in order to work through it. However, there is a safety point that I cannot cross. I cannot let the grief control me. I cannot let it sweep me away and bang me against the rocks. I have to stand in it firmly and just feel it. I also can’t let it affect my vision. I still need to be able to see the beauty and feel the warmth and the joy that this world has to offer. 

Like the birds flying in the sky, doing what God has designed them to do. And the sun setting outside my window. And my children laughing. Just because I have lost does not mean I don’t still have so very much.

I wanted to share the story with you, because we are all grieving. Everyone is going through something, life is never very easy for very long. But God is good, and He will give us the strength to stand against the current.

 And if we start sinking, He will reach out His hand and pull us up. That is what He is good at. I am so thankful for that!

Much love to you all,

Lee