Gone

This morning I woke up and, for the first time in my entire life, I woke up knowing that my dad is not sharing this planet with me. And though his death was not unexpected, it’s very foreign and my brain is having a hard time getting used to the idea. 

I’ve been very blessed in that I have never lived more than a mile from my parents. My children are very blessed because they’ve never went a week without seeing their grandparents at least once. And now my dad is gone. And I know he is in heaven, and I am so happy for him because he is experiencing things we only dream about...but...wow...it’s just really hard to get used to.

My dad was a small town, hermit-ish, kind of guy. He had a lot of friends but he was never the center-of-attention, life-of-the-party kind of guy. His favorite pastimes were fishing and hunting and being in the mountains. And spending time with his grandkids. Actually, he loved all kids. They gave him a special joy, and he delighted in them. My parents were only able to have two children, myself and my younger brother, but it seems like they always had a houseful of kids around. Nieces and nephews, great nephews, our friends, and random children on the gravel bar were always welcome. He saw the value of each child. Isn’t that such a beautiful thing?

My Daddy and I the summer I was two.

My dad had a lot of hurt in his life. Some of it was inflicted on him by others, some of it he inflicted on himself, and I think a lot of it was because for most of his life he did not have a clear understanding of how much God really loved him. He was in no way a perfect man, but he was a perfect example of how we struggle against the sinful part of our make up, and that struggle is worth it. He really, honestly, didn’t come into a true understanding and relationship with God until he was older. He was baptized by my husband last year and said he wished he had done it years ago. But he was on a journey getting to know God, and for some of us that just takes a while.

Growing up, I knew that my parents did not have the best relationship. It was quite obvious. But by the grace of God, the last few years, and especially while mom was taking care of him as he got more and more sick, they grew closer and closer together. They had been together for 44 years when he passed. I cannot fathom the depth of the loss that my mom feels right now.

I did not think that I would be able to be with my dad when he passed. I was afraid that I was too much of a wimp to be able to handle that. A few days before he went, something happened with him physically. Mom doesn’t know if he walked too far and it was too hard on his lungs, but he really started to spiral downward fast. By walking too far, I mean maybe the length of their small house without stopping to take a break. He had been battling pulmonary fibrosis for many years, and his body was just tired of having to work so very hard to breathe. If you have ever had pneumonia, or even just a really bad chest cold, where every breath takes effort, that is what it was like for him for years. He lived well past his prognosis. I really think that was God’s mercy. He knew that my mom and dad needed those years of healing. Even though my dad’s body was getting worse during that time, it really was a time of healing for them. Life is so much more than this physical part that we live and are experiencing right now. My dad’s spirit grew a lot these past few years. 

When I got the message from my mom on Sunday that she thought he was getting ready to go home to heaven, I decided to take my kids to church first and then go and be with him. God knew that was what I needed. I really needed that time of worship and fellowship. Just as soon as church was over, I got the message that Mom thought it was going to be very soon. I think he passed away about two hours after I got there, but the details are kind of fuzzy. I do know that when I got there and saw his face, something flipped inside of me. I did not see a sick and withered up old man. I looked at him, and he looked as beautiful as a newborn baby. So precious, so very precious. I’m really think that God gave me His eyes, and I saw my dad the way that God sees all of us. We are all that precious to Him.

I love this picture of my parents taking care of me.

My dad passed away surrounded by people who were loving and blessing him and worshipping God. He had very little pain. It was peaceful, and it was at home without drugs just like he wanted, so that was really an answer to prayer. He is in Glory now, with his loved ones who have gone on before him. He is with my babies. One of the saddest things for him about knowing that his life would end soon was that he would miss out on life with his grandchildren. However, he is with my three babies in heaven right now, and he is not missing out. More importantly, he is face to face with the loving God that created him. We are the ones missing out!

And now we have to figure out how to live this life without him. This is a totally new thing for me. I am so happy for the freedom he has now but I really do miss him terribly. It is so strange to me that I am not going to hear his voice again here on earth. I love him so much!

As I am writing this I am at the river, walking and walking and walking. I threw a couple rods in the pool holders and parked the kids in front of them with a movie going in the car and headed up the gravel bar. I have spent countless hours on this river with my dad. It’s just where I need to be right now: outside, breathing fresh air, and working my body. And processing. I have a lot of processing to do.

But there is one thing I do know, and that is that, although the world needs people who get on platforms and speak truth over large audiences, it also needs people like my dad: who just live their lives, simple as they may be, and love people. I just want to be like that. I just want to love people where I am, in every day. Because that matters so much. It really does. And we mamas know that because that’s what we do all day long!

Another one of my favorite pictures: my son fell in the water at the river and my dad was drying out his underwear for him.

How you love people does matter. From the person in the checkout line in front of you to the one you lay down next to every night, it really, really matters. So go out and love people well. Let themselves feel valued, because they are. Each one of us is a precious soul design specifically by God Almighty. You have to make them feel that way. It’s all that God is asking of you! 

Much love,

Lee