Keeping My Soul

 My dear mamas, I have not forgotten you. I've actually sat down and started many different blog posts over the past few months, but they all fizzled out after a few paragraphs. My heart just wasn't in them I guess, and I am no good at writing when there is no heart behind it. I can't fake my way through anything. I am the world's worst liar!

As I was brainstorming for this post, I was trying to pinpoint why exactly I haven't been inspired to write much lately, and I'm not exactly sure. I know that I am still sad and mourning the loss of our baby (how I miss that little one!). In the case of my previous miscarriages (9 and 12 years ago), I was already pregnant again 3 months after the loss, and that has not happened this time. So in the space of I am waiting and seeing what God has planned for that area of my life.

I am also very sadly watching my father struggle against pulmonary fibrosis (hardening of the lungs). He was diagnosed several years ago and as time goes on it gets harder and harder for him to breathe. He pretty much has his oxygen on full blast all the time and he has had some very rough nights and days lately. I am praying my heart out for him. Anyone who has experienced it knows it is very hard to watch a loved one suffer. I wish I could take the pain from him, I so do! But I am also so thankful that he has drawn close to the One who one day will take all pain and wipe away every tear. Including the ones that are falling on my keyboard as I type this!

I don't want you to think that I have been in a deep depression over these hard things because it's not so. Not that I haven't struggled against depression at some points, but I haven't been living there. Meaning I'm not pitching my tent and setting up house in the land of hopelessness. I actually, thank God, have a lot of hope. Which is why I can be sad but still abide in joy at the same time. It's hard to explain. But I think it does explain why I haven't had a lot of "output" lately. 

I guess I am just in more of an "input season" of my life right now. I've been reading a lot of good books and attending two Bible studies a week, as well as church on Sundays, of course. Also reading and listening to the Bible at home more than I ever have before. I occasionally help with children's church on Sundays and have taken on the role of Leader of Women's Ministry at our church, but I have even been keeping that super simple. I've also been keeping homeschool pretty basic with our children, which is pretty easy to do since most of them can do most of their subjects without help from me. 

When I listened to Deuteronomy 4 last week, verse 9 really stuck out to me. Much of Deuteronomy is Moses recapping all the Israelites have gone through in the desert and the laws that they were given before Moses dies and the people head into the promised land. I feel like this verse on diligently keeping your soul is super important. It made me think about what I do to "keep" my soul. 

When I hear the word keep in relation to the soul it makes me think of tending a garden. My literal garden is covered in weeds right now. I did not plan my fall planting well and it hardly produced anything. So the grass and weeds have moved right on in and taken up residence. Once the ground actually dries (it has rained a lot this year and that soil is absolutely saturated!) I'm going to need to get in there and do some pulling and digging and fertilizing so I can replant at the proper time in the spring. Then, if I water and weed and tend it well, it will produce a harvest. 

So I think I am somewhere in the middle of all that with my soul right now. I know it's a lifelong process, but I'm currently at a point where I have to slow down and pay attention. So that's why I've been quiet lately. I hopefully will be sharing more soon but it all depends on how it goes. Just please know that I haven't forgotten you!

Before I leave today, I'd like to share with you some of the books that I have read the past few months. I always enjoy getting good book recommendations, so I thought I would pass these on to you:

First off, I've been participating in the Bible Recap Reading Plan on the Bible App. It is led by Tara-Leigh Cobble and is a one-year chronological journey through the Bible with a video recap for each day's reading. I started it on the first of the year but am well ahead. I knew I would not be able to approach it as an intensive study so I have been listening to the scriptures and recap while I'm working in the kitchen each day. And even though I'm not taking a deep dive, the Holy Spirit has still been faithful to speak to me from each reading. I really enjoy the insight that is shared in the devotional, too.

I discovered Shauna Niequist this summer and have enjoyed her books Present Over Perfect (which has a study guide and video series to go with it) and I Guess I Haven't Learned That Yet. Present Over Perfect helped me reevaluate what I am allowing on my calendar and in my life and I Guess I Haven't Learned That Yet has encouraged me to have more grace with myself and the people in my life.

Listening to Lysa TerKeurst's books Unglued and It's Not Supposed to Be This Way was also really good for me. Unglued tackles the struggle of self-control and patience that many of us mamas deal with on the daily. It's Not Supposed to Be This Way is a book that encourages you on how to handle life when it doesn't go as you hoped and dreamed it would.

For parenting books, I would recommend The Collapse of Parenting by Leonard Sax and Triggers by Amber Lia and Wendy Speake. The Collapse of Parenting has a lot of good observations and information. Triggers helps get to the heart of the issues you may be having with your children (or anyone else that makes you feel triggered). 

I also would recommend any of Jen Wilkin's study books. We've gone through a few of them in our Women's Bible Study over the years and they are always very rich and insightful.

Besides reading, I have also been spending a lot of time outdoors. Mostly mushroom picking (which is great exercise!) and fishing (which is good quality time with my children). This means my home is not looking the sharpest, but, honestly, I would rather be accused of being a bad housewife than of being lazy with my soul. And being outside feeds my soul, so we are out as much as we can. And, of course, I've been crocheting. Because if you know me, you know I go crazy if I am not creating something!

So that is an update on me, dear mamas. I hope your new year is going well. And if it is not, I hope you can still see how God is using it to bring you closer to Him.

Much love,

Lee