Mourning

 Ladies, I'm in mourning.

photo from Pinterest

No, I haven't recently lost a loved one. And baby is still tucked safely inside my womb. So don't panic. What I am mourning about I thought I had already worked through and accepted. 

But grief is a funny thing. Sometimes you think you are fine and you have worked it all out and then all of a sudden it boils up to the surface again. 

This week I was sitting with a group of lovely women. We were talking over all kinds of subjects, as women usually do when they get together, when the conversation turned to exercise. And I could hardly keep from crying. Because I can't even go for a simple walk right now without there being painful consequences. 

Exercise used to be a daily part of my life. When I was a young mother, it felt like the only way I could stay sane each day was to throw the kids into the double stroller (and usually have another one on my back) and go for a walk. The rhythm of walking, the fresh air and giggles of the kids, they were like an antidepressant for my soul. I owned an elliptical for a few years and I loved hopping onto it and burning 400 calories during nap time on a rainy day. I also was a hiker, beach walker, and took on most of the heavy yard chores like weed-eating and chopping wood. 

As I listened to the ladies talk about how they loved (or hated) their workouts, it just really hit me all over again that I may never be able to exercise like that...ever. Not only do I still have pain from my botched hernia surgery, but my midwife and I suspect that I am now in the process of opening up a new hernia. That seems to be my trade off in life: I can have children, but I get hernias from carrying them. 

Personally, I'd rather have the hernias than have no children or have to limit our family.

I got to see our precious baby this week 

I really mean that from the depths of my heart. God has called me to be a mother, and given me the heart to have a large family, and that is what I am going to be and do. I'm not going to let my physical limitations have control over the most important part of my life. 

A dear friend reminded me this week of what was most important: exercising or raising children to love God and others. No brainer, right? Sometimes it takes the simplest question to shift everything into perspective. 

I still believe I can be healed and my life may not always be so limited by my physical pain, but for now, that is just the way it is. And it may be a bit messy and emotional as I work through this, but that is ok. And if you know me in "real life", please don't be afraid to talk about exercise around me. That would be ridiculous!

Because we ALL have limitations. I have a friend who struggles with infertility and another who keeps having unexplained allergic reactions. My husband has been a diabetic since he was 12. I know that my experiences are not unique, there are others who struggle with the same thing (or much worse!). 

I believe and trust that God has a purpose for this season in my life. And I know that, though I am weeping now, there will be a time when I will dance! And if I can't do it without pain, I'm going to dance anyway. Because, though mourning has its useful place, life is too short to stay there. 

Dance with me, mamas!

Lots and lots of love,

Lee