The Pain is Back!

 The pain is back!

I noticed it 3 weeks ago one morning in bed and I sadly told my husband, "It's back. The pain is back."

I went through ovulation, which for me is normally accompanied by burning and pressure, and I was in bed with pain meds it hurt so bad. 

Photo Credit: fcionline.com

That was a week ago. I'm still a week before my period so no pain from that should be felt... But the pain is back.

I've struggled with period pain since I was sixteen years old when I was bedridden one period and my mom was literally doing Labor Breathing with me to get me to not just cry through the pain.

Every year or so I would have another debilitating period. My aunt told me I could go through labor unmedicated if I could handle that type of period. It was that bad.

Then it got worse a few years ago. Every period I was bedridden for at least a part of a day and usually weak for a few days after. Ovulating was nearly just as painful and sometimes even more. I went to ER during a horribly painful ovulation just to try to get evidence for my doctor that something really was wrong.

Four years ago, it got to the point where I was in some pain every single day. I felt like a version of myself. I was so limited in what I could physically (and emotionally) do because I hurt all the time. It was life-altering.

We decided to do surgery. The anti-inflammatory diet and supplements wasn't working and I needed answers.

I was still half-sedated from surgery when I asked for information on what they found inside my body. I had been sure I had an adhesion and endometriosis. They did find an adhesion exactly where I thought it was, my ovary was attached to my abdominal wall. They had also found small implants of endometriosis but nothing severe.

The pain went away!!!

Three months later, it was back.

Three months after the pain came back we got pregnant and the pain, and reality of endometriosis, became a distant memory, one that I hoped would never returned. I even half-denied I had endometriosis. After all, it'd been so mild internally and the biopsy was negative.

Now, two years postpartum, I recently weaned my son and the pain is back!

I sat in front of my little fire this morning not full of discouragement despite my current pain. I have option. I have things to try. I can beat this, right?

My prayer/Bible/Journal spot

My mind weighed down with some very heavy emotional weights as well as the physical challenges. I have arthritis in my back to manage, seasonal depression that I battle as soon as the sun leaves, and now to have the endometriosis pain again. I'm 31 for crying out loud!!! It's frustrating, but I won't quit. There is solutions. I have hope.

I have hope...

My greatest hope is in knowing that even if I only find a temporary solution for my pain, even if I can never conceive again because the inflammation interferes with conception, even if I have to battle the emotion and physical pains of life that are overwhelming, my true home is Him. My true hope is Heaven. My true hope is the truth that  I'm not alone.

As I sat by the fire I read these beautiful words of truth that soothed my soul those three years ago when I was in the midst of daily pain and horrible discouragement:

"For all my wanting, I don't have anyone but You in heaven. There is nothing on earth I desire other than You. I admit how broken I am in body and spirit, but God is my strength, and He will be mine forever...

The closer I am to You, my God, the better because LIFE WITH YOU IS GOOD." 

-Psalm 73:25, 26, 28 
The Voice Version

I remember these words I read those years ago in the midst of prayers and pain and eating disguising looking smoothies every morning in hopes to help me feel better. I remember these words brought comfort to me then and they do now. 

I have hope of less pain, no pain, but mainly I have hope in that I'm not alone. I am loved and my pain is not purposeless and I have the same hope for you, dear Mama.

Whatever you are going through. There can be great purpose in your pain, there can be restoration, healing, and hope to share to others. There can be compassion and empathy developed. You are not alone and you are loved!

Much love,
-Joy