When You Have NOTHING Left to Give...

When Life Falls Apart and You Have Nothing Left to Give

An Infertility Story

We'd been married for two years, wishing for more children throughout that entire time. A surgery had to happen first. The surgery came and went with so much joy, so much anticipation, so much gratitude, so much hope...

Negative, always negative.

Month after month the pregnancy tests read NEGATIVE and NOT PREGNANT. Month after month the sadness washed over me. Month after month I began to grow more and more certain that when we finally got the fertility test done (one year after the surgery date), the news wouldn't be good.

A YEAR of trying, a YEAR of hoping and praying... A YEAR of sadness and hope circling over and over in a painful cycle with every passing month.

Then the day came... 

It was Fall of 2016.
I remember my husband went to get the results of his test... The test to explain why we hadn't got pregnant yet. The test to see if there was still hope.

He came home, and asked to talk to me. I remember we sat on my "Holy Stoop" which is what I call the back porch that I pray on every day. I remember sitting down and him telling me the results of the test. "Zero" was the answer... There was zero hope, zero chance, zero... NOTHING left!!!

I was in shock.
I couldn't process what it all meant.
What it meant for us, our family, the future, our dreams, our plans?

ZERO chance of conceiving!

At the time I was babysitting my nieces for a week while their parents were away, so I couldn't fall apart yet, and honestly, I don't think it truly sunk in that we had ZERO chance of getting help without fertility treatments... ZERO. That number, that answer was too hard to accept. Why us? Why had this happened? We were in the 8% of people this happened to.

My nieces went back to their parents and the weight of the news began to sink in along with another confirmation appointment that happened with the doctor. Nothing. No hope. No chance. Never going to happen.

The next two weeks I was in a sea of agony and grief.
I couldn't function and even had to have my husband come home to help with the kids. I couldn't barely force my body to move. I was in the most emotional pain and anguish I have ever been in my life... Deepest loss. Deepest pain. Deepest grief.

A dream had died and I was torn to pieces...

What to do when you have absolutely nothing left to give...

Give thanks.

That is the only thing that gave me strength to keep going in that time of immeasurable grief and loss, was thank God for what I already had.

Every day, I gave thanks.
I gave thanks for the sunshine, or my warm bed. I gave thanks for my kids smiles, and my husband's hug. Every little thing I could, I gave thanks.

It says in the Bible to "Rejoice always," and I think that is an instruction with so much love and grace, because when we give thanks, it gives us strength to face the day, it gives us hope for the future, and it gives us courage to keep trying.

When you have nothing left, give thanks! 
Count even the smallest blessings you have. The minuscule moments of life and find the glimmers of hope and life in the midst of devastating heart break.

Found this online and thought it was the most beautiful picture!!!!
Photo Credit: The Perfect Mom
https://theperfectmomblog.com/2019/04/26/dear-infertility/

I will try to share more of my story in future blogs.

Much Love,
-Joy

If you've been encourage, please share.