The Changing of the Seasons

The Changing of the Seasons

Motherhood changes.

The seasons are changing.

The sun is up and bright but the morning air has a bite of cold in it now and the leaves are just beginning their time of fall.

Change.

Seasons change.

Not just the weather but in the matters of life as well. My son is now 13 months old and we just entered a new season of change and what feels like loss... Weaning!

I want to take it slow and spread it over a few months but yet, every time I think about intentionally not connecting to my son, feeding him by nursing, I feel AWFUL, like I'm denying him.

I know he's old enough. I know it's time. I've been thinking about it for awhile now but it's still HARD, and it's still a loss, still a change of season.

I thought I was fine most of yesterday, after realizing it was time to start the weaning process. I had a plan, I'd looked up information, it would be gradual, it would be fine! I went into town, did some errands, made sure my son had plenty of healthy snacks, and I bought myself a new journal (my current one just filled up).

I got home. We got all the kids to bed. I nursed my sweet baby happily and put him in bed to fall asleep the rest of the way on his own, which he did easily. I went back to my room to put away my old journal and take out my new...

I found water damage in the back pages of the journal I'd just bought! Crinkled, they'd clearly been soaked and dried out and left the the back of the journal curling and rippled. I couldn't believe it! I needed this journal the next day, I didn't have any back ups... I write nearly every day! I knew I needed to write tomorrow on this whole weaning thing because I needed to process it...

I showed my husband the back of the journal and bemoaned over it. I asked him if he'd get me a new one. He said he would tomorrow after work. I looked down at my beautiful but crinkled journal and the whole world seemed to melt.

I was starting to wean my baby!

I felt like I was loosing a part of my connection to my son...

And my journal, that I needed in the morning was RUINED!!!!!

I went from sitting on the edge of the bed to face in hands, and head in mattress, folded over as the tears began to quietly spill from my eyes. It felt like the whole world was falling apart, and that nothing was the same and everything was changing too fast, and nothing was perfect, not even my BRAND NEW journal that should've been!

My husband reached over and pulled me to him and I lay on his arm and cried till it was soaked with my tears. He held me for a long time. As he held me the tears would subside, for awhile, then another wave of sadness would enter my mind and fall from my eyes.

Seasons of change.

I feel like all change is hard but those seasons of motherhood come so much more loaded with joy and grief than so many others. It's HARD, it's emotional, it's a challenge...

How do you cope with transitions in motherhood? I'd love to hear in the comments below!

-Joy